I'm deeply bothered tonight about things that keep ruminating in my mind—bad experiences that I wish I could forget. Part of me wants to write to get them out of my head, the other part of me wants to write and bury the memories as deep as possible until once again they wash up on the shore of my consciousness and I have to face them. Then I can bury those memories again and keep up the cycle until I'm strong enough to face them.
I vacuumed today, but that's all I was able to manage to do. Tomorrow I hope to mop the kitchen and bathroom. My hands are so dry that my knuckles burn, they feel like sandpaper, and in some spots are calloused. I put lotion on, but a few minutes later I wash it off because I have to wash my hands again. The problem isn't that I'm washing my hands so much because of COVID-19, I'm washing my hands so much because of my OCD. I try to limit my handwashing, but it hasn't been working lately. There are a few areas ready to crack open. As a child, my knuckles were always cracked and bleeding from washing my hands so much. I developed OCD at four years of age after trauma. I've had a lot of trauma in my life. I sometimes wonder if some people aren't trauma magnets. The first two or three times may have been just bad luck, but after that perhaps we become magnets for trauma and somehow preditors see that?
I've still been watching "Criminal Minds," I'm in the middle of Season 6, Episode 10. It's a great TV show and I think it will help with the writing I want to do. I want to someday write a book that switches back and forth between the thoughts of the serial killer and the thoughts of the writer who is writing about him. I want it to become a series and the two lives become more and more intertwined as she continues to write about him and he continues to kill, evading justice. I study Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) because the abusive ex I was with for nearly eleven years, exactly 4,000 days, had both personality disorders and the serial killer in the books I write will, too. Learning about ASPD and NPD helps me process the trauma from my ex and do research for my book series.
I feel as if I'm repeating myself tonight, or not explaining myself well enough the first time, and elaborating where it's not needed. My Niki kitty is lying at the other end of the couch, and I'm biting my lip and drinking both water and herbal tea as I write. I have yet to share my blog with anyone. I probably will eventually, but for now, the only people reading it are me and perhaps some people who stumble across it.
