There is something to believe in. There is always. 

Wall Shadows - a poem I wrote

"Wall Shadows"

Sometimes I listen to music
Late at night while Wall Shadows murmur
I hear the depths of despair and emptiness
Reflected if only for awhile
Wall Shadows understand
For an instant, I'm not alone in the depths
Of a cold darkness I can't understand

A.M.B.
23 October 2021

My Mottos in Life

"I want to be the one to walk in the sun..."
Cyndi Lauper

"'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain"
Jo Dee Messina

"Life is short. Drive fast, and leave a sexy corpse."
Stanley Hudson, The Office

"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in."
George S. McGovern

"You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one"
John Lennon

"Lonely Girl" - a poem I wrote

"Lonely Girl"

Revel in the self-hatred
It's all you got baby
Your head's filled with cockroaches
Your hands are covered
In a blood that doesn't wash off
Plant me in a beautiful spot
Where I bloom for the morning glories

Revel in the self-hatred
Your face is dirty and tear-streaked
You'll never be that special
But I never found pus sickening
Just my own reflection
You're all alone, lonely girl
Your skeleton will eventually be dust

A.M.B. 
17 October 2021

On My Brain Tonight...

I'm deeply bothered tonight about things that keep ruminating in my mind—bad experiences that I wish I could forget. Part of me wants to write to get them out of my head, the other part of me wants to write and bury the memories as deep as possible until once again they wash up on the shore of my consciousness and I have to face them. Then I can bury those memories again and keep up the cycle until I'm strong enough to face them.

I vacuumed today, but that's all I was able to manage to do. Tomorrow I hope to mop the kitchen and bathroom. My hands are so dry that my knuckles burn, they feel like sandpaper, and in some spots are calloused. I put lotion on, but a few minutes later I wash it off because I have to wash my hands again. The problem isn't that I'm washing my hands so much because of COVID-19, I'm washing my hands so much because of my OCD. I try to limit my handwashing, but it hasn't been working lately. There are a few areas ready to crack open. As a child, my knuckles were always cracked and bleeding from washing my hands so much. I developed OCD at four years of age after trauma. I've had a lot of trauma in my life. I sometimes wonder if some people aren't trauma magnets. The first two or three times may have been just bad luck, but after that perhaps we become magnets for trauma and somehow preditors see that?

Image from ocduk.org

I've still been watching "Criminal Minds," I'm in the middle of Season 6, Episode 10. It's a great TV show and I think it will help with the writing I want to do. I want to someday write a book that switches back and forth between the thoughts of the serial killer and the thoughts of the writer who is writing about him. I want it to become a series and the two lives become more and more intertwined as she continues to write about him and he continues to kill, evading justice. I study Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder  (NPD) because the abusive ex I was with for nearly eleven years, exactly 4,000 days, had both personality disorders and the serial killer in the books I write will, too. Learning about ASPD and NPD helps me process the trauma from my ex and do research for my book series. 

I feel as if I'm repeating myself tonight, or not explaining myself well enough the first time, and elaborating where it's not needed. My Niki kitty is lying at the other end of the couch, and I'm biting my lip and drinking both water and herbal tea as I write. I have yet to share my blog with anyone. I probably will eventually, but for now, the only people reading it are me and perhaps some people who stumble across it. 

Mark Hamill Is a Saint

Mark Hamill <3 from r/tumblr

Introduction to Me

Hi, I'm Amy. I'm a lot of things. I'm a kittymommy to my wonderful little girl, Niki. I'm 39 years old. I'm disabled with mental illnesses and chronic (physical) illnesses. The worst among my disabilities are Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), Bipolar Disorder Type 1 ultra-radian rapid cycling with psychotic features (BP), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Fibromyalgia, and Panic Disorder. I would hate for someone to know me and think my disabilities are all I am, though.

I live in a small town in the Ozarks. My hometown is an even smaller town. I'm close with my parents, but not with my sister, that was my sister's choice. I'm introverted and prefer to be alone a lot, it actually makes me happy, but I love people. I believe there's more good in the world than bad, and that we must spread love. I'm a hippie, a lesbian, collect vinyl records, love to write and read, and have a million wax melts for my smiley emoji in sunglasses wax warmer. 

I love flowers and rainbows. I'm a sexual assault survivor and a domestic violence survivor. I talk with my hands. My medications make me shake, so most of my videos I take on my phone are jumpy. I love music of all kinds, from folk to heavy metal. I don't like Christian music and opera, I like every other genre of music I've heard. I'm a solitary eclectic Pagan witch. Contrary to some people's beliefs, I don't worship "the devil," sacrifice living animals or people, do anything evil, have a crystal ball, or do love spells. I enjoy interacting with people online more than in person, though I do enjoy some in-person activities. 

I believe we must strive to be anti-racist and I'm an ally to the trans community. I have a huge lesbian pride flag on the wall above and behind my bed. I love to read, but my mental and chronic health conditions, as well as my medications, make it very hard for me to concentrate. I've gone from reading 200 books a year to around 20, which makes me really sad. I don't feel like myself when I don't read and write. 

I record every day in my planner. I'm very organized, but my desk is tiny so it's a bit of a mess. I love to cook and bake, and my favorites to make are Asian food and chocolate or peanut butter sweets. I usually only eat chicken and fish as far as meat goes, but when I'm with my parents sometimes I have to eat other meat because they eat a very meat heavy diet. I don't eat meat every day. I wish I could be a vegetarian, but I just like chicken and fish too much and I wouldn't give up taking krill oil, which has lowered my cholesterol.

I spread awareness for EDS and POTS, but most importantly, I spread mental health awareness. I love to drink tea, and I've recently been getting into loose teas. I cross-stitch, crochet, and scrapbook. I also make things with polymer clay. I collect crystals, and I will never have enough. I'm very quiet in person, but online feel more free to speak my mind, especially after living in fear for 11 years with my ex, who was the one who abused me. I was bullied horribly in school, leading to a serious suicide attempt. I want to someday find a way, when my health is a bit better, to help students being bullied.

My cat Niki is not only my kid, but she's my emotional support animal (ESA). She loves catnip with silvervine and the catnip brand Cat Crack. She's picky on her catnip and her food. I don't plan on ever having human children, just cats. I'm actually more of a dog person than a cat person, but dogs require more work than I can handle. Niki is the sweetest cat ever, she's so affectionate. She used to not know a stranger, but after the really, really bad abuse at the end of my last relationship, she seems to have suffered a cat form of PTSD and is scared of everything since then, she even runs from my parents most of the time and we lived with them for six months after leaving, and they visit my apartment often. 

My Freedom Day I got away from my ex is September 16th, 2019. The day after, September 17th, was Niki's 10th birthday. January 17th of this year was the 11 year anniversary of adopting Niki. She has one white whisker since she's gotten older, but I have a lot of white hair! She's got big round gold eyes that hold so much expression. I just love her so much.

It's January 18th and I still have my Yule/Christmas decorations up because they're so pretty. Niki loves to stand under the tree and look up at the lights. Niki doesn't like "normal" cat toys. She likes to play with bottle lids, shoestrings, and the shrink wrapped plastic around sealed bottles. She also likes to "steal" my things and hide them, hence her nickname "kleptokitty." 

I love horror movies and true crime. Racism, antisemitism, homophobia, and transphobia make me sick, along with all other baseless hate. I'm a feminist, but that doesn't mean I hate men. I just want all genders to have equality. I consider myself a social justice warrior. I'm pro-Black Lives Matter. I don't mean to make this into a political blog, but being a social justice warrior is a huge part of my life. I don't consider human rights a political issue.

My favorite shows are "That 70s Show," "The Office," "Dexter," "Golden Girls," "Criminal Minds," "Wentworth," "Life After People," "American Horror Story," "Orange Is The New Black," "Reno 911!," "Family Guy," "American Dad," and pretty much everything on Investigation Discovery. 

Well, that's a short introduction stream of consciousness about myself. If you have any questions leave them below and I'll be happy to answer!